“Spending every Saturday morning in a souring bed, watching a shark-eyed man in a peach-coloured shirt chiding minor celebrities for julienning vegetables incorrectly is the epitome of civilisation.”

“What’s the worst thing about Shipwrecked? Is it that it pollutes the purest, most tranquil patches of paradise with a toxic spillage of the very worst people in the world? The sort of people who say “amazing” too much? The sort of people who wear knitted hats to the beach?”

“Build a sleazy love fort out of cushions, jump up and down on loads of bananas, blandly pick your spots while naming different types of fabric softener at each other, actually be Jedward…it’s great.”