1. PUMPI COME HOME
A puppy called Pumpi is kidnapped by INTERNATIONAL DIAMOND THIEVES and taken to the North Pole. Despite the best efforts of Superman and Shakin’ Stevens, Pumpi can only be rescued by the cunning of a six-year-old girl called Robyn who can secretly fly, and has a laser-gun and sidekick polar bear cub called Polly Boo.
2. THE ADVENTURES OF SLINKY
A graphic novel about a retro mermaid called Slinky, mostly consisting of her coveting vintage flares, perfecting her blow-comb technique and retrieving treasure from the bottom of the sea for a little boy called Moran.
3. THE ACCIDENT
A novelette in which a woman from New York runs over a girl on a bicycle on an English country lane. Despite her injuries, the girl strikes up a friendship with the woman while she recovers in hospital. From memory the woman is “sassy” and there is much “back-talk and snapping of chewing gum”.
4. DARK SLINKY
In which Slinky is turned into a vampire. But she uses this to her advantage, going on night missions to spy on dockside organised crime activity. Eventually she is inducted into the CIA, where she is given a vampire antidote.
5. DAYLIGHT ROBBERY
The world’s first eight-year-old girl detective, Robyn Wilder, investigates an apparent suicide on the International Space Station and deduces that it was murder by ghosts from the 14th dimension. This gains her instant fame and fortune. In fact, the book is approximately 2% plot, 38% ghosts and 60% fame and fortune (Robyn buys an island, does her best to stay out of the papers and anonymously sends people who have shown her kindness large cash gifts).
Slinky takes up skateboarding!
7. ALIENS PART II
A pamphlet in which Ripley, Newt and Hicks settle down and live happily ever after, and all that bollocks about a Cockney prison planet was a terrible fever dream.
8. THE GOLDEN PENDANT
A gently humorous novel for ‘children of all ages’. A feisty princess, trying to escape being married off to a prince who’s been a rival since childhood, stows away on a pirate ship. But she discovers that the pirate captain is her husband to be, who is also running away. They have many adventures, battles, squabbles and larks on the Tartan Ocean, until I get bored and kill everyone off. NB: Nowhere in the story is there a pendant, golden or otherwise.
9. PORN! THE MUSICAL
I co-author (and painstakingly, in Cakewalk, write the midi score for) the story of Fishy Bob McKenzie, a snaggle-toothed hillbilly who becomes a porn star.
10. THE GO-TO GIRL
After her relationship implodes, a clumsy web designer moves back in with her mother and gets a job at the local theatre, where she meets a 1980s heartthrob whose career has taken a nosedive. Funnier than it sounds.
I’d mention here that I have a literary agent, but I suspect he might fire me.