“It’s turned me into the sort of person who takes her phone into the toilet. By now my phone must be encrusted with poo spores, but dysentery can be treated. I’ve been stuck on fucking level 35 of Candy Crush for over a week now, and I cannot. Let it. Beat me.”

“The Life of Pi - While people watched the film version and wondered “does this prove the existence of God?”, I just kept thinking “BUT WHERE DOES THE TIGER POO?”

“I think we ought to portmanteau EVERYTHING that we do by text. Imagine it. We could have ‘banxting’ (banking by text) or ‘voxfaxting’ (casting X Factor votes by text), or even ‘cunxting’ (dumping people by text). Behold the future!”

“Spending every Saturday morning in a souring bed, watching a shark-eyed man in a peach-coloured shirt chiding minor celebrities for julienning vegetables incorrectly is the epitome of civilisation.”

“I spend my days completing a five-hour rail London-Shire-London round trip, and hanging out in hospitals (on the plus side, I get to read all of 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami. No, I’m still not sure what it’s about. Everyone does a lot of yoga and slices up loads of daikon radishes, though, I can tell you that).”